Finding a Poly & ENM Friendly Counsellor in Australia

A No Nonsense Guide with a Free Resource to help you choose an ENM Friendly Counsellor

If you're polyamorous, monogam-ish, solo poly, or ethically & consensually non-monogamous in Australia, you may have found it difficult to connect with a therapist who genuinely understands and validates your identities and relationship dynamics.

This guide is here to cut through the noise. It's designed to equip you with the tools to find therapeutic support that truly affirms your relationship styles, helping you feel seen, validated and supported.

If you're super keen to get to the free resource, it's at the very end of this article.

Why ENM Friendly Therapy Matters

Ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationships require rigorous communication, deep self-reflection, and a willingness to think outside the box when it comes to traditional relationship scripts. An ENM friendly therapist grasps this complexity. They offer a vital space to tackle important challenges, like managing jealousy, establishing clear boundaries, navigating societal judgment, and fostering robust communication among all partners.

Therapy that is delivered through a solely monogamous lens can, often inadvertently, cause harm by invalidating your identity or providing support that doesn’t suit the way you live your life.

ENM Friendly Counsellors in Australia: What You Need to Know

A critical point to make clear from the start - in Australia, titles like "sex therapist", "sexologist" and even “counsellor” are largely unregulated. This means you need to be sharp and diligent when vetting a practitioner's qualifications and affiliations. Don't skip this step!

1. Verify Primary Professional Registration

This is your non-negotiable first step for ethical practice and adherence to professional standards. Always confirm your potential therapist holds primary registration with a recognised governing body. Look for registration any one (or more) of the following:

• Australian Counselling Association (ACA)

• AHPRA (Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency): This is essential for psychologists.

• Australian Psychological Society (APS)

• Australian Association of Social Workers (AASW)

• Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia (PACFA)

  
  

2. Seek Specific Training and Experience

Beyond basic registration, look for therapists who demonstrate actual expertise or specialised training in sexology or ethically non-monogamous relationships. This isn't just a bonus; it's a critical indicator of their capacity to support you effectively. Look for:

• A Robust Academic Foundation: Look for university level qualifications in fields such as Psychology and Counselling, as well as related areas such as Sexology.

• SAS (Society of Australian Sexologists) Accreditation: While voluntary, SAS accreditation mandates minimum standards for training, qualification, experience, and supervision. Crucially, it typically requires primary registration with a recognised body.

• Specialised Courses or Workshops: Has your counsellor received, or do they deliver, training directly relevant to non-monogamous relationships or sexology?

• Significant Caseload: An ENM friendly counsellor should have tangible experience working with a substantial number of ENM clients.

"Green Flags" for an ENM Friendly Counsellor

When vetting an ethically non-monogamous affirming therapist in Australia, green flags these are the signs of genuine competence and affirmation:

• Explicit Affirmation: They openly state comfort and experience with polyamorous, ENM, or open relationships in their profile or during your initial consultation. There should be no ambiguity here.

• Belief in and Validation of ENM: They unequivocally believe that ENM structures can be practised healthily and ethically. This isn't something to be debated or looked down on.

• Detailed Knowledge: They possess deep knowledge of various polyamorous structures and dynamics (e.g., solo polyamory, V structure, KTP, parallel polyamory) and can articulate and differentiate between them.

• Affirming and Inclusive Language: The language they use on their website, social media etc as well as in all communications with them is inclusive and affirming.

• Understanding Complexities: They clearly recognise the specific complexities of ENM relationships such as managing jealousy, establishing boundaries with metamours, navigating societal judgment, and can offer concrete, actionable strategies.

• Willingness to Learn: If they're unfamiliar with a specific dynamic, they express a genuine willingness to self-educate or seek professional consultation. They should be able to describe how they would access these resources or supports to further their understanding.

• Receptivity to Feedback: They are open to client feedback regarding their understanding of ENM or the therapeutic context. You shouldn't have to defend your relationship structure.

• Sex-Positive & Inclusive: They are unequivocally sex-positive and inclusive of diverse sexual practices (kink/BDSM) and sex workers.

• Emphasis on Communication: They consistently emphasise the paramount importance of clear, honest communication and the establishment of explicit boundaries within your relationship(s).

• Strong Emphasis on Consent: They demonstrate a clear and nuanced understanding of ongoing, verbal and non-verbal consent not just in sexual contexts, but across all aspects of relationships and therapy itself. They will actively help you build and uphold strong consent practices within your ENM dynamics.

• Client-Centered & Collaborative Approach: They understand that you are the expert in yourself. This means they're committed to guide your therapy by taking the time and care to listen to your unique perspectives and lived experiences.

Lived Experience as a "Green Flag"

While not a formal qualification, a therapist's personal lived experience with non-monogamy can be a significant positive indicator. It often signals a deeper, more intuitive understanding of the nuances, joys, and challenges of ENM relationships that formal training alone might not fully convey.

• Shared Understanding: A therapist with lived experience may more readily grasp unspoken dynamics or the subtle societal pressures unique to ENM. This can lead to a quicker sense of rapport and feeling truly seen and supported.

• Authenticity: Their personal journey can lend an authentic, empathetic quality to their practice, making it easier to trust their guidance.

• Nuanced Insight: They might offer insights that come from direct experience, helping you navigate situations with a level of understanding that goes beyond textbook knowledge.

Important Note: Lived experience should always be a supplement to, never a replacement for, formal qualifications, ethical practice, and specialised training. A therapist who relies solely on their lived experience without proper professional backing is a red flag. Always prioritise professional registration and specific training first.

"Red Flags" for an ENM Friendly Counsellor

Avoid therapists who exhibit these signs of non-affirmation or potential harm. These are deal-breakers:

• Pathologising Non-Monogamy: Any explicit or implicit suggestion that non-monogamy is inherently unhealthy, a phase, or a symptom of underlying pathology. This is fundamentally misinformed and harmful.

• Steering Towards Monogamy: Any attempt to steer clients towards monogamy or to change their non-monogamous relationships.

• Dismissing Other Partners: Refusing to acknowledge the importance or validity of a client's other partners within a non-monogamous structure, or dismissing established relationship agreements.

• Lack of Specific Knowledge: A glaring lack of specific knowledge about ENM structures or terminology (e.g., conflating polyamory with polygamy).

• Monogamous Lens: Applying a purely monogamous lens to ENM challenges. This demonstrates a fundamental misunderstanding of the dynamics.

• Unwillingness to Educate: If a therapist states they have no formal training or experience with non-monogamy and are unwilling to self-educate or seek professional consultation when poly/ENM-specific issues arise.

• Defensiveness: Becoming defensive or resistant when a client attempts to educate them about their relationship style or correct misunderstandings.

• Endorsing Unethical Practices: Implicitly or explicitly endorsing or failing to challenge imbalanced or unethical ENM practices, such as involuntary mono-poly dynamics or "One Penis Policies." These are huge ethical red flags.

• Rushing the Process: Encouraging clients to rush the process of opening up a relationship or make changes to their existing dynamic/s without sufficient communication, agreements or boundary setting.

• Superficial View: Viewing non-monogamy primarily as a means for "more sex" rather than a distinct relationship style involving emotional depth, communication, and multiple connections. 

Practical Questions to Ask During Consultation

Prepare a concise list of questions for an initial consultation to gauge a therapist's suitability. Consider asking about:

• Their specific experience with ENM clients and training or life experience in non-monogamy

• Their views on the health and validity of ENM relationships

• Their familiarity with various poly structures

• How they handle feedback or situations where a client feels misunderstood

• Their approach to common challenges like jealousy or boundary setting

• Their views on cultural expectations versus social stigmas around non-monogamy

• Their sex-positivity and inclusivity of diverse practices (kink, sex work).

Resources for Finding an ENM Friendly Counsellor in Australia

Several directories and organisations can help you locate potential therapists specialising in ethically non-monogamous affirming therapy in Australia:

• Specialised Clinics: Evolve Together specialises in providing ENM affirming counselling services, from a counsellor with lived experience in ENM structures.

• Psychology Today Australia: Allows filtering for "Open Relationships/Non-Monogamy."

• The Society of Australian Sexologists (SAS) directory: For accredited psychosexual therapists (remember to check primary registration as well).

Your Path to Affirming Support

By following these steps and being proactive in vetting potential therapists, you significantly increase your chances of finding a professional who provides truly safe, supportive, and validating care for your ENM relationships. This diligence is not optional; it's vital, especially given the ongoing challenges posed by systemic societal prejudice and the unique complexities inherent in diverse relationship structures.

Because your relationships deserve affirming support.

Free Resource:

Find Your Fit - 5 Questions for Your ENM-Friendly Counsellor

We've put together this handy resource to help you choose an ENM Friendly counsellor.

Access free resources

Eleonora Bertsa-Fuchs (she/they) is the founder of Evolve Together. Her main focus as a counsellor is supporting fellow ENM & LGBTIQA+ people to build healthier, happier relationships and be more comfortable in their sexualities.